What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 00:58
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What do people aim for when they meditate, and how do they do it properly?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were not on the streets..
Has anyone ever really waited that long and gotten a paper check mailed 20 days ago?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Can ringing in the ears be a sign of spiritual awakening?
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was in good health!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I will be 64.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
I never cut or harmed myself..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.